1 00:00:03,072 --> 00:00:08,084 INSTRUMENTAL: We Wish You A Merry Christmas 2 00:00:08,084 --> 00:00:11,052 How are you? You look nice. Happy Christmas, love. 3 00:00:15,028 --> 00:00:18,060 You look gorgeous in your Christmas jumper. 4 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:20,012 Gwaaar! Go on to fuck! 5 00:00:24,060 --> 00:00:26,044 I love your Christmas hat, it's gorgeous. 6 00:00:26,044 --> 00:00:27,076 CLAMOURING 7 00:00:30,068 --> 00:00:32,004 No no! 8 00:00:34,044 --> 00:00:35,068 CLAMOURING 9 00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:37,096 Where's your proof of purchase, you fucking prick?! 10 00:00:37,096 --> 00:00:39,088 Watch his fucking back, will you? 11 00:00:39,088 --> 00:00:41,040 Happy fucking Christmas. 12 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,064 Repeat the sound of joy 13 00:00:43,064 --> 00:00:46,004 Repeat the sound of joy 14 00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:48,052 15 00:00:48,052 --> 00:00:50,004 16 00:00:50,004 --> 00:00:52,008 That was a load of bollocks! 17 00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:03,088 Christmas is a time for giving, but when you've got fuck all, 18 00:01:03,088 --> 00:01:05,092 it's also a time for taking. 19 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,092 Take it easy, you're getting pine needles all over the new carpet! 20 00:01:11,092 --> 00:01:15,072 Would you stop going on about their new carpet? 21 00:01:15,072 --> 00:01:17,032 But it's cream. 22 00:01:17,032 --> 00:01:18,092 I'm taking off these plastic bags. 23 00:01:20,076 --> 00:01:22,016 Not until we're outside. 24 00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:30,064 HE GRUNTS 25 00:01:30,064 --> 00:01:33,096 TREE PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROL 26 00:01:33,096 --> 00:01:35,036 You had one job. 27 00:01:38,032 --> 00:01:40,084 It's the perfect time for me and Jock to be doing house calls, 28 00:01:40,084 --> 00:01:43,052 because there's a film being shot in the city and the whole of Cork 29 00:01:43,052 --> 00:01:46,040 is off trying to get selfies with your man Robert Sheehan. 30 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,012 I'm going through a crowd of fans at the moment. 31 00:01:49,012 --> 00:01:50,048 Yeah, they're really annoying. 32 00:01:50,048 --> 00:01:53,052 SCREAMING 33 00:01:53,052 --> 00:01:56,032 OK, I'm only going to do this once. You ready? 34 00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:57,036 CHEERING 35 00:01:58,036 --> 00:02:00,052 SCREAMING 36 00:02:00,052 --> 00:02:02,028 SHE SOBS 37 00:02:02,028 --> 00:02:04,088 Do you think you were the right actor to play this character, 38 00:02:04,088 --> 00:02:06,028 seeing as you are not gay? 39 00:02:06,028 --> 00:02:07,044 Oh, well, I am gay. 40 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:09,080 I'm gay for women, I think about women 41 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,092 in the same gay way that gay men think about...gays. 42 00:02:12,092 --> 00:02:15,064 And you'll never guess who's been hired for security. 43 00:02:15,064 --> 00:02:17,084 Stand back!Billy Murphy. 44 00:02:17,084 --> 00:02:20,036 The film producers figured if he was working on set, 45 00:02:20,036 --> 00:02:21,084 at least he wouldn't be breaking in. 46 00:02:21,084 --> 00:02:24,072 I will fucking punch you. Get back! 47 00:02:24,072 --> 00:02:27,024 All in all, it doesn't seem very Christmassy this year. 48 00:02:27,024 --> 00:02:29,064 Might be something to do with our housing estate 49 00:02:29,064 --> 00:02:32,016 being more like Armageddon. 50 00:02:32,016 --> 00:02:34,012 It's been non-stop with protesters, 51 00:02:34,012 --> 00:02:37,000 and half of them are only there to get on the telly. 52 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,080 It's been 30 days since the residents of what's been dubbed 53 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,040 the Real Capital of Cork - or Real COC for short - 54 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,072 barricaded themselves in their council estate, 55 00:02:44,072 --> 00:02:46,096 creating their very own hard border. 56 00:02:46,096 --> 00:02:49,004 The guards are struggling to keep control. 57 00:02:49,004 --> 00:02:52,056 Only residents and food deliveries are allowed past the barricades. 58 00:02:52,056 --> 00:02:55,016 Who ordered Szechuan duck and chicken balls? 59 00:02:55,016 --> 00:02:56,084 That's me, that's me! 60 00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:58,060 I paid by card. 61 00:02:58,060 --> 00:03:00,048 Building repairs, me fucking hole! 62 00:03:00,048 --> 00:03:03,056 The authorities offered the same upgrade to the housing estate over, 63 00:03:03,056 --> 00:03:05,000 but once they got everyone out, 64 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,052 they demolished the lot of it. 65 00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:09,092 That's not going to happen to us. These houses are perfectly fine. 66 00:03:09,092 --> 00:03:11,020 KNOCK ON WINDOW 67 00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:13,056 Mam, the weird smell's there again! 68 00:03:13,056 --> 00:03:15,072 Is the canary still alive?Yeah. 69 00:03:15,072 --> 00:03:18,068 Then stop worrying about it. Jesus. 70 00:03:18,068 --> 00:03:20,096 Just cos some langer in City Hall thinks our houses 71 00:03:20,096 --> 00:03:23,012 Aren't good enough for his safety standards. 72 00:03:23,012 --> 00:03:26,092 CROWD AGREES 73 00:03:26,092 --> 00:03:29,052 Like, what would them firemen be doing if they weren't 74 00:03:29,052 --> 00:03:31,076 putting out our fires anyway? Ever think about that? 75 00:03:31,076 --> 00:03:34,008 CROWD AGREES 76 00:03:34,008 --> 00:03:36,044 SHE COUGHS 77 00:03:36,044 --> 00:03:38,068 You OK?I'm fucking fine. 78 00:03:38,068 --> 00:03:41,000 SHE COUGHS 79 00:03:42,008 --> 00:03:44,064 EXCLAMATIONS OF DISGUST 80 00:03:44,064 --> 00:03:46,024 Do you have a hanky, no? 81 00:03:46,024 --> 00:03:49,024 Mam has a hard-on for everything Christmassy, 82 00:03:49,024 --> 00:03:52,024 but she's always been too broke to get a real Christmas tree. 83 00:03:54,012 --> 00:03:55,016 It's lovely. 84 00:03:56,056 --> 00:03:58,012 85 00:03:58,012 --> 00:03:59,020 What the fuck? 86 00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:00,072 87 00:04:00,072 --> 00:04:02,004 Why three Christmas trees? 88 00:04:02,004 --> 00:04:04,024 They say you can't get oil past the barricade. 89 00:04:05,048 --> 00:04:08,008 We're going to line them up like the Christmas tree... 90 00:04:08,008 --> 00:04:09,072 Christmas trees. 91 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,080 Ah! Fucking hell! 92 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,000 Ha-ha!Ha-ha! 93 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,072 You can't do that. 94 00:04:18,072 --> 00:04:22,032 Burning Christmas trees is like burning Christmas. 95 00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:27,024 Did you get to the doctor? 96 00:04:27,024 --> 00:04:29,076 What's he going to tell me that I don't already know? 97 00:04:29,076 --> 00:04:31,056 Stuff about medicine. 98 00:04:31,056 --> 00:04:32,076 Fuck that. 99 00:04:33,076 --> 00:04:36,060 FLINT STRIKES REPEATEDLY 100 00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:38,060 Fucking thing. Give me that fag. 101 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,036 Are you sure you should be smoking? 102 00:04:40,036 --> 00:04:43,044 It'll help bring up the phlegm. That's true, actually. 103 00:04:43,044 --> 00:04:44,092 Sure, when you walk around, 104 00:04:44,092 --> 00:04:47,036 you always see people smoking and coughing. 105 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:51,060 SHE COUGHS 106 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:55,004 SHE COUGHS 107 00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:56,096 Mam! 108 00:04:56,096 --> 00:05:00,004 Are you OK, Mam? Mam! 109 00:05:00,004 --> 00:05:03,052 Everybody, get out the fucking way! NOW! 110 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:05,016 CLAMOUR 111 00:05:11,024 --> 00:05:14,032 Only one of you can travel with her now, lads. 112 00:05:14,032 --> 00:05:17,020 I never understood what an ambulance chaser was until now. 113 00:05:17,020 --> 00:05:20,080 SIREN 114 00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:30,092 SHE COUGHS 115 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,068 It says here she's doing phenomenal. 116 00:05:36,068 --> 00:05:38,040 It says "pneumonia". 117 00:05:40,016 --> 00:05:42,036 SHE COUGHS Is she going to be OK? 118 00:05:44,024 --> 00:05:45,084 It's not looking good. 119 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:50,052 The pneumonia has done severe damage to her lungs, 120 00:05:50,052 --> 00:05:52,068 and the smoking hasn't helped. 121 00:05:57,044 --> 00:06:00,048 We can't just stand round here and watch my mam getting more sick. 122 00:06:00,048 --> 00:06:03,064 The most important thing is to help lift her spirits. 123 00:06:03,064 --> 00:06:07,000 Being in hospital over Christmas is going to be really tough. 124 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,020 I'll pick us up something to eat, yeah? 125 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,024 Happy meal? 126 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:22,048 SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas 127 00:06:23,064 --> 00:06:26,020 Mam, you need something to lift your spirits. 128 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,060 What would you like? 129 00:06:29,060 --> 00:06:30,084 Yeah, we... 130 00:06:32,012 --> 00:06:33,068 ..we'll get you whatever you want. 131 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,060 SHE MUMBLES 132 00:06:42,072 --> 00:06:45,048 Sorry, I didn't quite get that one. 133 00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,068 I've never seen a white Christmas. 134 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,080 Hey. 135 00:06:55,092 --> 00:07:00,032 Are you sure there's nothing else that might lift your spirits? 136 00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:03,072 Like...A bike. 137 00:07:03,072 --> 00:07:04,076 Aye. 138 00:07:05,084 --> 00:07:07,080 We could get you a bike.Yeah. 139 00:07:09,044 --> 00:07:11,024 Just whisper the make and model. 140 00:07:17,056 --> 00:07:18,068 No. 141 00:07:44,024 --> 00:07:46,048 Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas! 142 00:07:50,060 --> 00:07:52,012 I fucking hate Christmas. 143 00:07:54,072 --> 00:07:56,036 Who's all that crap for, anyway? 144 00:07:56,036 --> 00:07:59,028 Conor and Jock. I bought presents for them? 145 00:07:59,028 --> 00:08:02,048 We'll need to drop it off to their house on the way home.Not a hope. 146 00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,024 Their estate's like a war zone. 147 00:08:04,024 --> 00:08:05,092 OK, we'll walk. 148 00:08:05,092 --> 00:08:08,004 Enda, did you bring your rape alarm? Yep. 149 00:08:09,052 --> 00:08:10,056 Fine. 150 00:08:12,008 --> 00:08:13,084 Don't worry about it. 151 00:08:13,084 --> 00:08:16,036 I'll do everything I'm told, because it's not about me, 152 00:08:16,036 --> 00:08:19,016 it's about my money for Christmas on people I don't even like. 153 00:08:19,016 --> 00:08:20,072 That's what this is about. 154 00:08:20,072 --> 00:08:23,044 I'll get you close. You can fuck the presents over the wall! 155 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:26,000 Barry, stop being a prick. 156 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,008 What? 157 00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:28,088 You can't even get in. 158 00:08:28,088 --> 00:08:29,092 I know a way. 159 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:38,032 You're going to break the fucking thing, Barry. 160 00:08:39,064 --> 00:08:43,004 When you've got one dead parent, and another nearly dead parent 161 00:08:43,004 --> 00:08:45,060 in the hospital, the last thing you need is optimism. 162 00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:48,000 There's actually lots of successful orphans in the world. 163 00:08:49,088 --> 00:08:51,040 Like Batman. 164 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,024 I'm not an orphan. 165 00:08:53,024 --> 00:08:55,000 Well, what are you getting angry at me for? 166 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,088 I'm just trying to comfort you. 167 00:09:00,052 --> 00:09:02,020 Superman.Stop it. 168 00:09:04,008 --> 00:09:05,088 Harry Potter.Quit it. 169 00:09:10,064 --> 00:09:12,060 God. 170 00:09:12,060 --> 00:09:14,040 He's the ultimate orphan. 171 00:09:15,052 --> 00:09:16,096 And very successful. 172 00:09:18,060 --> 00:09:22,012 Hey! We could try praying to Him first, no? 173 00:09:31,024 --> 00:09:34,084 The Lord God works in mysterious ways. 174 00:09:34,084 --> 00:09:37,072 Lads, get a load of this fucking prick. 175 00:09:41,036 --> 00:09:43,056 ON IPAD:Why did you choose to film in Cork city? 176 00:09:43,056 --> 00:09:46,020 Well, we needed a lot of weird-looking background people, 177 00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,088 and Cork has a lot to offer in this area. 178 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:53,068 Could you point that thing in a different direction, please? 179 00:10:08,044 --> 00:10:10,072 Here. We'll give you the phone unlocking code 180 00:10:10,072 --> 00:10:13,040 after you tow the snow machine to the hospital. 181 00:10:14,064 --> 00:10:16,072 And how are you going to get it out of there? 182 00:10:16,072 --> 00:10:19,084 That church is like Fort Knox since they started filming there. 183 00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:22,088 We know this place better than we know our own dicks. 184 00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:25,084 We break in to drink the altar wine. 185 00:10:25,084 --> 00:10:28,092 And this time, we know a guy on the inside. 186 00:10:32,092 --> 00:10:34,044 Explain it to me again. 187 00:10:34,044 --> 00:10:36,072 It's a coin-toss competition. 188 00:10:36,072 --> 00:10:38,004 Best of five. 189 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:41,080 If we win, you let us in and turn a blind eye. 190 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,004 What do I get if I win? 191 00:10:44,004 --> 00:10:46,012 The knowledge that you won. 192 00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:48,080 What more could you want than the winning feeling 193 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,036 of a coin-toss competition? 194 00:10:50,036 --> 00:10:52,044 You'd be king of the tossers. 195 00:10:54,012 --> 00:10:55,088 Are you fucking serious? 196 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:58,036 King of the fucking tossers. 197 00:10:58,036 --> 00:10:59,040 Fuck off. 198 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,004 You can punch us. 199 00:11:04,008 --> 00:11:05,036 What the fuck? 200 00:11:05,036 --> 00:11:07,008 Do you want to help your mam or not? 201 00:11:07,008 --> 00:11:09,044 Well, obviously, but I bruise like a fucking peach.Yeah, 202 00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:12,016 but you know the only thing he gets a kick out of is inflicting pain. 203 00:11:14,044 --> 00:11:15,068 Fuck's sake. 204 00:11:17,012 --> 00:11:20,008 For every coin toss that you win, 205 00:11:20,008 --> 00:11:22,044 you get to punch one of us. 206 00:11:22,044 --> 00:11:24,000 Both of you. 207 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,036 That's the deal.Fine. 208 00:11:26,036 --> 00:11:28,020 Has anyone got a coin? 209 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,060 I've a chocolate one. 210 00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:31,064 Do you mind if it's British? 211 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:37,020 Heads. 212 00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,012 Thank fuck! 213 00:11:39,012 --> 00:11:40,016 My go. 214 00:11:40,016 --> 00:11:41,068 HE LAUGHS 215 00:11:47,092 --> 00:11:49,056 Tails. 216 00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:52,040 HE LAUGHS 217 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,040 Arm. Leg. 218 00:11:58,032 --> 00:12:00,088 It's vitally important now that you don't move, 219 00:12:00,088 --> 00:12:03,084 because I don't want to hit you in the face. 220 00:12:03,084 --> 00:12:05,016 OK? 221 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,020 Ooh! Ow! 222 00:12:14,064 --> 00:12:16,056 That kind of stung. 223 00:12:16,056 --> 00:12:18,004 Ooh! 224 00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,016 All right? 225 00:12:20,068 --> 00:12:24,008 I once tried to give up gambling, but I found it really difficult, 226 00:12:24,008 --> 00:12:27,044 because even when you're not gambling...Argh! 227 00:12:27,044 --> 00:12:28,088 ..you're still KIND of gambling, 228 00:12:28,088 --> 00:12:30,084 doing things that don't feel like gambling. 229 00:12:30,084 --> 00:12:33,004 Do you know what I mean? Not really. 230 00:12:33,004 --> 00:12:35,024 Like, I once battered this fella, 231 00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:38,088 so I got sent away for a couple of months to Cork Prison. 232 00:12:40,028 --> 00:12:42,008 But had I not stabbed him, 233 00:12:42,008 --> 00:12:45,040 I could be a fucking dentist now or something. 234 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,052 I won again! HE LAUGHS 235 00:12:48,008 --> 00:12:49,096 It's my lucky day. 236 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,016 Oh! 237 00:12:53,016 --> 00:12:54,056 Stomachs. 238 00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,020 BOTH: Ooh! 239 00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:00,024 THEY COUGH 240 00:13:01,024 --> 00:13:03,008 HE LAUGHS 241 00:13:03,008 --> 00:13:04,084 Whoo! 242 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:07,044 If I get this now, this is going to be three out of three. 243 00:13:07,044 --> 00:13:09,032 Just flip the fucking thing, yeah? 244 00:13:09,032 --> 00:13:11,068 All right. Relax. 245 00:13:11,068 --> 00:13:13,004 Jesus! 246 00:13:18,036 --> 00:13:20,060 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 247 00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:21,084 Whoa, whoa! 248 00:13:25,052 --> 00:13:26,060 I win. 249 00:13:28,028 --> 00:13:29,060 Fuck! 250 00:13:34,056 --> 00:13:37,044 We need two people to replace those actors who got pissed over lunch. 251 00:13:40,012 --> 00:13:43,036 Have any of you extras got acting experience? 252 00:13:46,048 --> 00:13:49,000 Just get me two of the weirdest-looking fellas here. 253 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:54,088 Will they do?They're perfect. 254 00:13:54,088 --> 00:13:56,068 EXTRAS GROAN 255 00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,048 Right, you two, come with me. 256 00:14:02,056 --> 00:14:04,064 BACKGROUND CHATTER 257 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,044 What the fuck?Fuck you! 258 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,036 FUCK! 259 00:14:10,036 --> 00:14:13,000 GENERAL MOANING 260 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,064 Get the fuck out...! 261 00:14:17,092 --> 00:14:22,032 The IFTAs will be BEGGING me to take an award after this. 262 00:14:22,032 --> 00:14:24,012 Begging me on their hands and knees. 263 00:14:32,096 --> 00:14:34,080 Excuse me, Mr Sheehan. 264 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,012 Don't talk to me. 265 00:14:37,012 --> 00:14:40,000 I think he's acting. HE INHALES 266 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,088 Are you acting?Shush, please. 267 00:14:43,088 --> 00:14:45,012 Thank you. 268 00:14:45,012 --> 00:14:47,020 Five minutes, everyone. 269 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:49,064 I took two sources of inspiration for this scene. 270 00:14:49,064 --> 00:14:52,092 The original movie, Alien - "Argh, argh!" - 271 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:57,072 and this old Maltese lady who was having an asthma attack. 272 00:14:57,072 --> 00:15:00,088 And she was making the most fascinating sounds. 273 00:15:00,088 --> 00:15:03,084 Strange, like... HE GASPS 274 00:15:03,084 --> 00:15:06,044 That's where it comes... That's where the noise... 275 00:15:06,044 --> 00:15:07,096 Wow.Yes, indeed it does. 276 00:15:07,096 --> 00:15:10,012 Ah, you can hear the Maltese in that. 277 00:15:10,012 --> 00:15:11,084 Yeah - thank you. 278 00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:14,088 So good. Yeah, so good. Maltese. 279 00:15:14,088 --> 00:15:18,008 You can hear it, like, yeah, it's Maltese.Yeah, yeah. 280 00:15:18,008 --> 00:15:21,036 That's more just someone doing a lisp. 281 00:15:21,036 --> 00:15:22,048 Yeah. 282 00:15:25,072 --> 00:15:27,008 Any tips? 283 00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:28,076 Tips? 284 00:15:28,076 --> 00:15:31,084 Acting tips. It's our first time. 285 00:15:31,084 --> 00:15:33,084 What do you mean, it's your first time? 286 00:15:33,084 --> 00:15:35,008 OK, let's start it up, please! 287 00:15:35,008 --> 00:15:39,096 Ah, ah, ah! Listen, whatever you do, do not look into the camera. 288 00:15:39,096 --> 00:15:43,024 OK? Great. You'll be great. You'll be great. OK, great. 289 00:15:43,024 --> 00:15:45,088 All set. 342, take one. 290 00:15:45,088 --> 00:15:47,064 Argh! 291 00:15:47,064 --> 00:15:49,080 And track. 292 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,056 HE GASPS 293 00:15:51,056 --> 00:15:52,060 Action. 294 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:55,044 Argh! GUNSHOT AND GASPING 295 00:15:55,044 --> 00:16:00,004 I fear this fight may be at its end. 296 00:16:00,004 --> 00:16:04,056 Those soldiers may slash my flesh, 297 00:16:04,056 --> 00:16:08,064 but God is my only judge. 298 00:16:08,064 --> 00:16:09,096 HE GASPS 299 00:16:12,084 --> 00:16:14,080 Promise me one thing. 300 00:16:16,052 --> 00:16:18,020 You have our word. 301 00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:20,096 You're looking straight into the camera. 302 00:16:20,096 --> 00:16:23,004 Can we reset, please? 303 00:16:23,004 --> 00:16:25,008 What did I just say? 304 00:16:25,008 --> 00:16:26,048 Don't look at the camera. 305 00:16:26,048 --> 00:16:27,092 And what did you do? 306 00:16:29,016 --> 00:16:30,076 I looked at the camera. 307 00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,056 Yeah. 308 00:16:32,056 --> 00:16:33,088 Sorry, Mr Sheehan. 309 00:16:37,052 --> 00:16:43,000 Those soldiers may slash my flesh but God - 310 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,032 God is my only judge. 311 00:16:47,020 --> 00:16:50,012 You've missed your mark. You have our word. 312 00:16:50,012 --> 00:16:51,072 You've missed your mark. 313 00:16:51,072 --> 00:16:53,032 Your mark is here. 314 00:16:53,032 --> 00:16:55,036 It's really, really simple. 315 00:16:55,036 --> 00:16:57,028 Don't look at the camera, stay on your mark, 316 00:16:57,028 --> 00:16:59,048 concentrate, yeah? 317 00:16:59,048 --> 00:17:01,088 I really want to get it on this next one, lads, OK. 318 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:04,076 Go for it, boy. I've got a good feeling about this one, yeah? 319 00:17:04,076 --> 00:17:05,080 Yeah, yeah. 320 00:17:09,024 --> 00:17:11,036 You have our word. 321 00:17:11,036 --> 00:17:14,096 He's reading his lines off his fucking hand. 322 00:17:14,096 --> 00:17:16,040 Promise me one thing. 323 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:17,084 HE BELCHES 324 00:17:17,084 --> 00:17:19,012 Cut. 325 00:17:23,028 --> 00:17:27,064 Those soldiers may have slashed my flesh, but... 326 00:17:29,064 --> 00:17:31,088 Cut to FUCK! 327 00:17:31,088 --> 00:17:32,096 Argh! 328 00:17:41,056 --> 00:17:44,016 Argh! 329 00:17:44,016 --> 00:17:46,000 Argh... 330 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:50,008 God is my only judge! 331 00:17:50,008 --> 00:17:51,060 HE GASPS 332 00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:52,088 CONOR STIFLES A LAUGH 333 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,068 God is my only judge! 334 00:17:57,068 --> 00:17:58,072 HE GASPS 335 00:17:58,072 --> 00:18:00,016 STIFLED LAUGHTER 336 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,024 Sorry, boy, sorry, boy. We've got this, we've got this. Right. 337 00:18:04,024 --> 00:18:07,028 Use a prop - use it. 338 00:18:07,028 --> 00:18:11,000 God is my only judge. 339 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,064 HE GASPS 340 00:18:12,064 --> 00:18:14,044 LAUGHTER 341 00:18:14,044 --> 00:18:17,008 STIFLED LAUGHTER 342 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,032 I'm never going to get this out. 343 00:18:22,032 --> 00:18:23,036 HE GROANS 344 00:18:24,064 --> 00:18:25,096 CONOR AND JOCK LAUGH 345 00:18:25,096 --> 00:18:30,028 Can we please just get a bit of professionalism around here? 346 00:18:30,028 --> 00:18:31,036 Aww...! 347 00:18:31,036 --> 00:18:32,040 Take 57. 348 00:18:33,096 --> 00:18:37,052 I heard Robert Pacino say once that great performances 349 00:18:37,052 --> 00:18:39,012 come out of pain and suffering. 350 00:18:40,016 --> 00:18:43,016 I'd like to think we had something to do with helping Mr Sheehan 351 00:18:43,016 --> 00:18:44,080 get to that place. 352 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,032 Promise me one thing. 353 00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:50,016 You have our word. 354 00:18:51,056 --> 00:18:52,064 Find my mother. 355 00:18:54,036 --> 00:18:55,076 Tell her... 356 00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:03,016 Tell her how deeply sorry I am 357 00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,000 for leaving her in her time of need. 358 00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:14,060 HE GROANS 359 00:19:16,012 --> 00:19:17,068 And cut. 360 00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:20,040 Ohhh! Thank fuck for that! 361 00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:24,096 Get out of my way, you two amateurs. 362 00:19:26,076 --> 00:19:27,080 Argh! 363 00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:36,048 Hey, hey. We're coming. We're coming. 364 00:19:36,048 --> 00:19:38,052 Just back it up to the gate. 365 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:46,084 HE GROANS 366 00:19:53,088 --> 00:19:54,092 HE GROANS 367 00:19:56,076 --> 00:19:58,028 All right, Billy. 368 00:20:00,012 --> 00:20:01,056 Heads or tails? 369 00:20:01,056 --> 00:20:02,096 Heads. 370 00:20:02,096 --> 00:20:04,008 HE GROANS 371 00:20:04,008 --> 00:20:05,028 Fuck this! 372 00:20:08,064 --> 00:20:09,068 Over here. 373 00:20:13,048 --> 00:20:16,064 I'm sorry about this, lads, but I take my job very seriously. 374 00:20:18,004 --> 00:20:19,052 THEY GROAN 375 00:20:21,028 --> 00:20:23,040 THEY COUGH 376 00:20:25,036 --> 00:20:28,068 What would you be doing with a snow machine, anyway? 377 00:20:28,068 --> 00:20:30,084 You can't sell snow. 378 00:20:30,084 --> 00:20:32,080 It melts. 379 00:20:34,076 --> 00:20:36,028 It's just my mam's not well. 380 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,080 And the doctor's saying she might not make it. 381 00:20:43,096 --> 00:20:46,028 You see, she's always wanted to see a white Christmas. 382 00:20:46,028 --> 00:20:48,044 We were just trying to do something for her. 383 00:20:51,056 --> 00:20:52,096 You know what? 384 00:20:52,096 --> 00:20:56,080 I was really sick in hospital once. 385 00:20:58,028 --> 00:21:01,072 The only thing I wanted was for someone to sit with me 386 00:21:01,072 --> 00:21:03,040 so I wouldn't be alone. 387 00:21:05,088 --> 00:21:07,004 But no-one came. 388 00:21:08,088 --> 00:21:11,060 Who's sitting with your mum right now? 389 00:21:13,092 --> 00:21:15,036 No-one. 390 00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,072 Lads, get the fuck out of here 391 00:21:19,072 --> 00:21:22,040 before I kick the living shit out of you again. 392 00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,076 Thanks, Billy.Thanks, Billy. 393 00:21:27,088 --> 00:21:31,016 And tell your mam I was asking for her. 394 00:21:31,016 --> 00:21:32,032 Yeah. 395 00:21:47,020 --> 00:21:48,096 We tried our best, Mam, but... 396 00:21:53,008 --> 00:21:55,020 What an awful Christmas! 397 00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:57,072 Don't worry about it. 398 00:21:57,072 --> 00:21:59,064 The traffic is very bad. 399 00:21:59,064 --> 00:22:01,044 Yeah. 400 00:22:01,044 --> 00:22:05,048 I'll see you when I see you, all right? 401 00:22:05,048 --> 00:22:07,000 Merry Christmas, son. 402 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,028 Merry Christmas, boy. 403 00:22:10,052 --> 00:22:13,020 I think for every time one of us has a nice Christmas, 404 00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:16,028 someone else out there is having a shit one. 405 00:22:16,028 --> 00:22:17,068 Hiya.Hello. 406 00:22:17,068 --> 00:22:19,060 Hey, just thought we'd come over and say hi. 407 00:22:19,060 --> 00:22:22,052 I'm Conor, this is Jack. Conor. 408 00:22:22,052 --> 00:22:24,088 Hello, Jack. I'm Francie. Thanks for calling over. 409 00:22:24,088 --> 00:22:27,056 Pleased to meet you, boy. I like your eyebrows, kid. 410 00:22:27,056 --> 00:22:30,032 Oh, yeah? Have you got a razor? I could do yours for you. 411 00:22:30,032 --> 00:22:32,084 Go away. You're joking me. 412 00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:34,072 THEY LAUGH 413 00:22:34,072 --> 00:22:37,000 Do you want...?What would I be like with one of them? 414 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,024 KNOCK AT DOOR 415 00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:39,052 A hospital is the one place 416 00:22:39,052 --> 00:22:41,088 where a stranger will never tell you to fuck off. 417 00:22:41,088 --> 00:22:42,092 Ssh, ssh! 418 00:22:44,012 --> 00:22:46,020 Good morning, doctor. SHE LAUGHS 419 00:22:46,020 --> 00:22:47,064 They'll all be happy to see you. 420 00:22:47,064 --> 00:22:49,036 THEY LAUGH 421 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,080 You can even go up and hug someone you never met before 422 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,060 and they'll be grateful for it. 423 00:22:57,060 --> 00:23:00,000 HE SOBS 424 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,092 Bang. Boom. 425 00:23:01,092 --> 00:23:05,040 An old handshake or even a pat on the back in person 426 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,084 will mean more than getting some shitty gift in the post. 427 00:23:08,084 --> 00:23:10,060 Stay still.Am I plucked? 428 00:23:10,060 --> 00:23:14,028 THEY CHEER 429 00:23:14,028 --> 00:23:18,040 And doing something that might only take a minute out of your day 430 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:21,032 could last a lifetime in the memory of someone else. 431 00:23:23,076 --> 00:23:26,092 ALL:Santa is a fanny! 432 00:23:26,092 --> 00:23:30,024 Get away from me. You need to get back into bed. 433 00:23:30,024 --> 00:23:32,004 Get off me.Mairead, listen. 434 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,044 Whoa! Whoa! 435 00:23:35,044 --> 00:23:36,076 Get back. 436 00:23:36,076 --> 00:23:38,096 I'll fucking do it. 437 00:23:38,096 --> 00:23:41,036 Oh!Aww, Jesus! 438 00:23:41,036 --> 00:23:44,048 Sorry. What's going on? I want to go home. 439 00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:47,024 She needs full-time medical supervision. 440 00:23:47,024 --> 00:23:48,028 Argh! 441 00:23:49,048 --> 00:23:51,032 Everyone. 442 00:23:51,032 --> 00:23:52,092 Let's be civilised. 443 00:23:55,080 --> 00:24:00,008 Look, you might know about sickness, you might know about medicine - 444 00:24:00,008 --> 00:24:04,020 but I know my mam, and she wants to be home for Christmas, 445 00:24:04,020 --> 00:24:06,020 and that's where she needs to be. 446 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,064 I don't even know who owns this. 447 00:24:19,076 --> 00:24:22,084 HUBBUB 448 00:24:25,072 --> 00:24:26,076 Right, come on, then. 449 00:24:28,016 --> 00:24:30,012 What's she doing out of hospital? 450 00:24:30,012 --> 00:24:32,044 Nice to fucking see you, too. Come on. 451 00:24:34,096 --> 00:24:38,068 Can we get some help here, please, lads? Sick mammy coming through! 452 00:24:38,068 --> 00:24:41,020 Mothers spend their whole lives looking after other people, 453 00:24:41,020 --> 00:24:43,080 so when one of them gets sick, everyone knows it's time 454 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,044 to put their differences aside. 455 00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:56,084 Could you stop here for a second, please? 456 00:24:59,084 --> 00:25:01,004 One second. 457 00:25:01,004 --> 00:25:04,092 INDISTINCT CHATTER 458 00:25:04,092 --> 00:25:07,084 Driver, can you get us to the other side of that barricade? 459 00:25:07,084 --> 00:25:09,040 Not a bother, boy. 460 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,060 Are you still there? 461 00:25:11,060 --> 00:25:14,064 Yeah. I think I just figured out our publicity campaign. 462 00:25:14,064 --> 00:25:16,008 Driver, chop-chop. 463 00:25:18,060 --> 00:25:20,048 It's been two hours. 464 00:25:20,048 --> 00:25:23,044 We're never getting out of this war zone of a housing estate. 465 00:25:23,044 --> 00:25:25,056 I told you not to come this way. 466 00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:28,020 Concentrate. Stop. Brake, brake, brake! 467 00:25:37,084 --> 00:25:41,020 Oh, that's great. He'll gallop off now and tell everyone we're here. 468 00:25:41,020 --> 00:25:43,080 In our neighbourhood, the riot police usually only turn up 469 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,084 at good birthday parties. 470 00:25:45,084 --> 00:25:47,064 SHOUTING 471 00:25:47,064 --> 00:25:50,020 'Reinforcements are being sent in to help the Gardai 472 00:25:50,020 --> 00:25:51,084 'dismantle the barricades.' 473 00:25:51,084 --> 00:25:54,048 Everyone, let's do this peacefully. 474 00:25:54,048 --> 00:25:56,036 We're all people of Cork here. 475 00:25:56,036 --> 00:25:58,052 You can take our land, 476 00:25:58,052 --> 00:26:03,044 but you'll never take our FREEDOM! 477 00:26:03,044 --> 00:26:04,096 Come on! 478 00:26:04,096 --> 00:26:06,076 Aw - for fuck's sake! 479 00:26:06,076 --> 00:26:08,008 'The actor Robert Sheehan 480 00:26:08,008 --> 00:26:11,040 'has come to show his support for the Real Capital of Cork, 481 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:15,004 'and it appears he has watched Braveheart one too many times.' 482 00:26:15,004 --> 00:26:18,052 CHEERING 483 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:31,024 Long live the Real fucking Capital of Cork! 484 00:26:31,024 --> 00:26:34,008 I'm not fucking going anywhere. This is my fucking home. 485 00:26:34,008 --> 00:26:37,056 Fuck off, you fucking liar. Get your fucking hands off me! 486 00:26:37,056 --> 00:26:40,024 Fucking hell! Get your fucking hands off me! 487 00:26:40,024 --> 00:26:43,044 Get your fucking hands off my sister. She's dyslexic! 488 00:26:43,044 --> 00:26:47,024 Right, which house is theirs? And let's get the fuck out of here! 489 00:26:47,024 --> 00:26:48,068 It's that one there. 490 00:26:50,072 --> 00:26:52,068 Jesus Christ! 491 00:26:54,020 --> 00:26:56,040 Right, whoever did that, you own up straightway 492 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,024 or I'm calling the Gardai. 493 00:26:58,024 --> 00:27:00,052 Mentioning the Gardai is one idiotic thing to do 494 00:27:00,052 --> 00:27:03,020 with this shit going on around the corner. 495 00:27:03,020 --> 00:27:05,076 HUBBUB 496 00:27:08,048 --> 00:27:10,084 OK. Which one of you was it? 497 00:27:10,084 --> 00:27:12,068 Get back in the fucking car. 498 00:27:12,068 --> 00:27:15,008 Get back in the fucking car, Bobby. 499 00:27:28,032 --> 00:27:30,008 There's only one tree left. 500 00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:42,012 How about we burn the kitchen chairs instead? 501 00:27:44,056 --> 00:27:49,012 MAIREAD COUGHS 502 00:27:50,056 --> 00:27:52,080 COUGHING CONTINUES 503 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,024 Keep calm. 504 00:27:57,060 --> 00:27:58,092 I am friends with a guard. 505 00:27:58,092 --> 00:28:00,060 Dad, don't fucking say that! 506 00:28:00,060 --> 00:28:02,044 SCREAMING 507 00:28:02,044 --> 00:28:04,000 SHOUTING 508 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,004 Oh, fucking hell! 509 00:28:06,004 --> 00:28:07,072 SHOUTING 510 00:28:07,072 --> 00:28:10,028 Ah, no, no! No, no, no! 511 00:28:10,028 --> 00:28:12,016 Fuck! Dad, do something! 512 00:28:13,092 --> 00:28:15,084 He's not rain, Barry! 513 00:28:17,064 --> 00:28:21,056 COUGHING 514 00:28:26,088 --> 00:28:28,064 GASPING 515 00:28:28,064 --> 00:28:30,016 She's having a seizure. 516 00:28:30,016 --> 00:28:33,008 Quick, just get something for her mouth.To eat? 517 00:28:33,008 --> 00:28:35,004 No, like a wooden spoon or something. 518 00:28:35,004 --> 00:28:37,044 That won't help - you just need to wait for it to pass. 519 00:28:38,056 --> 00:28:39,084 It's OK, it's OK, it's OK. 520 00:28:41,028 --> 00:28:43,012 SHOUTING 521 00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:44,064 Go home, everybody, go home. 522 00:28:44,064 --> 00:28:45,080 This is our home. 523 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,084 You, you fucking prick! 524 00:28:47,084 --> 00:28:50,048 SHOUTING 525 00:28:50,048 --> 00:28:53,076 GASPING Mam, can you hear me? Come on! 526 00:28:53,076 --> 00:28:54,080 Mam. 527 00:28:55,084 --> 00:28:57,092 Mam, come on, fuck that, come on, please. 528 00:28:58,096 --> 00:29:01,024 SHOUTING Everybody go home! 529 00:29:03,092 --> 00:29:06,048 This is our home! 530 00:29:06,048 --> 00:29:10,008 Mam? Wake up, Mam. Come on, please! 531 00:29:10,008 --> 00:29:11,088 SHOUTING 532 00:29:11,088 --> 00:29:14,016 Calm down! We're going to be all right. 533 00:29:14,016 --> 00:29:16,008 Mam, wake the fuck up, will you? 534 00:29:17,096 --> 00:29:21,004 I think you only realise how important hope is 535 00:29:21,004 --> 00:29:22,076 when it's taken away. 536 00:29:27,004 --> 00:29:28,048 HUBBUB 537 00:29:28,048 --> 00:29:31,056 Without hope, a community can be torn to shit. 538 00:29:33,096 --> 00:29:36,048 But if you gives someone hope... 539 00:29:36,048 --> 00:29:38,088 ..even just the tiniest bit... 540 00:29:38,088 --> 00:29:40,040 GASPS 541 00:29:42,052 --> 00:29:44,048 COUGHS AND RETCHES 542 00:29:48,016 --> 00:29:50,068 I'm just doing my job! 543 00:29:52,012 --> 00:29:54,004 Stop it! Stop it! 544 00:29:58,028 --> 00:30:00,024 Mam. What you looking at? 545 00:30:03,076 --> 00:30:06,052 HUBBUB 546 00:30:06,052 --> 00:30:09,000 CROWD QUIETENS 547 00:30:17,048 --> 00:30:19,016 COUGHS 548 00:30:19,016 --> 00:30:22,020 Give her some space, give her some space. You're OK. 549 00:30:24,036 --> 00:30:25,096 Get away.It's OK, it's OK. 550 00:30:25,096 --> 00:30:28,000 I'll give you space. 551 00:30:32,068 --> 00:30:34,056 Girls, get back inside! 552 00:30:34,056 --> 00:30:36,000 Orla! 553 00:30:47,064 --> 00:30:49,056 It's snowing! 554 00:30:59,096 --> 00:31:03,000 TINKLING MUSIC PLAYS 555 00:31:08,044 --> 00:31:13,092 INSTRUMENTAL: We Wish You A Merry Christmas 556 00:31:34,016 --> 00:31:36,004 Happy Christmas, everyone. 557 00:31:48,036 --> 00:31:50,068 Happy Christmas to you, too, Mister. 558 00:31:51,092 --> 00:31:54,052 Thank you.You're welcome. 559 00:31:58,032 --> 00:32:01,072 Maybe Christmas IS a time for giving. 560 00:32:01,072 --> 00:32:03,092 Even when you've got fuck all. 561 00:32:06,068 --> 00:32:08,060 Bah, humbug.